


Ashes, Ashes

by ArgentSleeper



Series: Ring Around the Rosie [4]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Past Infidelity, Terminal Illnesses, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-04-20 10:45:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4784492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgentSleeper/pseuds/ArgentSleeper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur will never forgive Merlin for what he's done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ashes, Ashes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cerch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cerch/gifts).



> It turns out I'm really bad at resisting peer pressure.
> 
> Before you come at me with torches and pitchforks, I have another (slightly happier) installment coming! But this one is specifically for Cerch, who requested all the sad. Your wish is my command.

 

It was sunny that day.  Somehow that didn't seem right.

Arthur began the morning the way he always had. Or at least the way he’d been doing the last six months, ever since he’d moved out of Morgana and Leon’s place and into his own. First he would set the coffee to brew. He didn’t trust those new-fangled ones that had automatic timers. The last thing he needed was for it to malfunction and set his flat on fire while he slept. Then he would butter three slices of bread and toast them the old fashioned way, in a skillet. Arthur had nothing against toasters, but it was something to occupy his mind for a least a minute more.

Then he would take his coffee and his toast and exactly one glass of orange juice and sit at the table to read the paper. And it was at that point that he heard a key turn in the lock and Morgana burst in.

“Leon threw you out rather early this morning, didn’t he?” Arthur observed blandly, not bothering to take his eyes from the business section. “Usually he makes it until at least 8:00.”

“Arthur dear, put down the paper please.”

It was the please that made him actually do it, more than the quiet, haunted tone of her voice. Arthur immediately stood and went to her. His sister was pale and shaking, tears in her eyes. Yet at the same time he could see her forcibly holding herself together. If it had been for her own sake, to save face, her arms would have been crossed tightly, nose in the air as if no one could _really_ hurt her. But instead she laid a hand on his arm as he drew near and pulled him carefully into a hug.

Arthur hadn’t been hugged by his sister since he came out as gay and his father disowned him.

“Gana,” his own voice gone as quiet as hers had been, “what’s wrong?”

Morgana choked back a sob, clinging to him tighter. “I couldn’t let you read about it in the paper. And- and someone might call you to ask questions and I couldn’t let you find out that way either and–”

“ _Morgana_ ,” Arthur was starting to panic. “Is it father? Is he okay? Did something happen to Leon?”

His sister pulled back, then cupped his face with a gentle hand. “Oh, Arthur. You didn’t deserve this.” Her next words seemed to come from far away, echoing hollow in the quaint little flat.

“It’s Merlin. He passed away last night.”

And oh, it wasn’t fair that after all this time, after all they’d gone through, that those words could still bring his world grinding to a halt.

“Passed away?” he whispered, body and heart gone numb. Something twinged in the back of his mind and forced him to say, “I- I don’t care. To hell with him. Probably murdered by one of his new fuck buddies…”

But Morgana was shaking her head, wiping more tears from her eyes. “He had cancer, Arthur. He was sick, and he never told us. He didn’t want us to know.”

“No.” Arthur pulled away from his _lying whore_ of a sister and sat back down at his kitchen table. “You’re making it all up.” With a tremor in his hand that he couldn’t seem to control he picked up his toast and took a bite. The crumbs turned to dust in his mouth. “He put you up to this, didn’t he? Is this his way of trying to win me back, to make me feel sorry for him?”

“Arthur, no–”

“Well it isn’t going to work,” he snapped, more and more sure of his conclusion the more he forced himself to disbelieve. “I will _never_ forgive him. If you leave now, I might forgive you.”

Morgana sighed sadly, then reached forward and turned the page of his paper. “I’m so sorry, baby brother.”

Arthur wasn’t going to look. This was a trick; it was a lie; it wasn’t–

 _Merlin_.

 

> _Merlin Emrys, age 26, passed away last night after a long battle with brain cancer. Merlin is survived by his mother, Hunith Emrys. Funeral services will be held on Saturday the 14 th at St. Mary’s in Ealdor. In lieu of flowers, _ _the family is requesting financial assistance for the services._

 

That was it. No photo, nothing. It seemed so painfully short. _Just like Merlin’s life_.

Arthur was torn between screaming at Morgana to leave him alone with his pain and screaming at himself for being so stupid and screaming at Merlin because he would never be able to scream at him again and–

“Arthur, Arthur honey, _breathe_ –”

Arthur hadn’t even realized he’d started to hyperventilate. “He never told me. _Why didn’t he tell me?_ ” Did he think Arthur wouldn’t care? After what happened between them did Merlin really think Arthur would- would _gloat_? If only Merlin could see him now, as he lay his head down on the table and closed his eyes against the pain.

“I don’t know,” Morgana sobbed, wrapping her arms back around him. “I don’t know what he was thinking. None of us will ever know.”

 

* * *

 

The funeral was everything the obituary wasn’t. Merlin’s family was of course in attendance, his mother and best friend Will. His friends were there too, all the people who had hated him until a few days ago. Morgana stood with Arthur in the back of the church, holding on to his hand as much for her own sake as his. She had to stay back with him at the cemetery as well, while everyone else went forward to lay their soft white lilies. Arthur knew if he had to watch Merlin’s casket be lowered into the ground from up close he wouldn’t make it through.

He hadn’t even wanted to go in the first place. Anger at Merlin, at himself, at the _universe_ had overwhelmed him to the point he didn’t think he’d ever recover. Morgana had tried to help, and their own informal wake had formed at Arthur’s flat as everyone came over to grieve and wallow in their own self-pity. Honestly, as selfish as it may have been, it was probably only the knowledge that Merlin had kept his illness from all of them that finally allowed Arthur to crawl out of his pit of loathing.

Morgana wouldn’t let him run away and hide when Merlin’s mother spotted him, however. Arthur expected Hunith’s eyes to narrow, expected her to despise him for abandoning her son to suffer alone. Heaven knew Arthur did. Instead she smiled gently and hugged him. After a moment of shock, Arthur hugged back, not sure what he’d done to deserve such a show of affection.

“Thank you, Arthur. I could never have afforded all this without you.” Arthur stammered and blushed, but Hunith just pulled back and patted his arm. “I know you did your best to be an anonymous donor, but that much money from one source, I knew it had to be you.”

“I–” Arthur hung his head. He’d sent the check without hesitation, knowing the obituary was serious and Hunith could never afford to bury Merlin on her own, and definitely not the way he deserved. “It was the least I could do.”

The truth of that statement killed him.

They stood there in silence for a moment. Arthur knew that as bad as things were for him, they had to be worse for Hunith. She had already lost her husband, and now she had lost her son as well. She had no one while Arthur at least had his sister.

Finally it was Hunith who broke the silence, looking deep into his eyes as if she could see the turmoil inside him. "He loved you, you know." She pressed a sealed envelope into his palm.  "More than words can say."

Arthur didn't know if he could make his fingers curl around to hold the parcel, but somehow he managed.  Hunith kissed him on the cheek and turned to go.  Struck by a momentary panic, Arthur snatched her hand back up.  "I– I never said goodbye."

Hunith gave him a sad smile, then nodded her head towards the envelope.  "Say goodbye now."

 

* * *

 

It took two weeks for Arthur to open the envelope, and three more days before he read the letter within.

 

> _My Arthur,_
> 
> _I don’t know when you’ll get this, or when (or if) you’ll read it, but I think it’s safe to assume you’re angry. I know you’re angry now, and you’ll be angry then, and you’ll probably be even angrier by the time you finish reading this. But before I explain please know I don’t regret what I did._
> 
> _This isn’t the first time I’ve gone through this. No, that honour goes to year 12. When most people are studying for A-levels and deciding on uni majors, I was going through chemo and learning how to vomit my fucking guts out without letting my mum see me cry. I know how hard this is, Arthur. I saw the strain it put on Mum last time and I see how much it’s hurting her now. I couldn’t do that to you. You never asked for a sick husband, and you don’t deserve to become a widower now._
> 
> _So yes. If you need it in writing as proof to rage over later, yes I lied to you. I knew you would never leave me otherwise. You’re far too noble for your own good, you prat. But I needed for you to be mad at me. I need you to still be mad at me. Now you can go on hating me instead of mourning me. And I know you won’t be alone. You have Morgana and Leon and Gwaine and Gwen and Lance and everybody. They’ll take care of you._
> 
> _I ~~f I had to do this again, I don’t know if I would be strong enough to send you away. There were so many times that I wished~~ _
> 
> _I love you, Arthur. I love you so damn much, and it’s killing me even more than this stupid tumour that I have to leave you. I need you to be happy. Please be happy._
> 
> _You were my everything._
> 
> _All my love,  
>  Merlin_

And Arthur wept.

 


End file.
